A Time to Listen, A Time to Speak

By Nancy Lauser

​It begins when they are babies. Someone will approach you to admire your baby. “Ooooh, isn’t she cute? How old is she?” Mom has to do the talking because baby can’t. Sometimes, mom will talk as if she is the baby. “I’m 8 months old!” “I have my daddy’s eyes”. When they are toddlers, we explain them to people. “He’s tall for his age”, or, “She’s shy”. Is this wrong? No! This is a time for speaking. But it can develop a habit of talking for them that we don’t even recognize. Some of us never outgrow this, even when our children are perfectly capable of speaking for themselves.

If we haven’t learned to let our children speak for themselves by the time they are say, 4-5 years of age, the habit will be even more of a problem to break later. As moms, it is extremely challenging to stand back and let our students do their own talking. What if they don’t say the right thing? What if they use bad grammar? What if they say something embarrassing? 

​Not long ago, I was talking with a boy of about 11 -12 years of age, and as part of the conversation, I asked about his favorite subject in school. While he was thinking about what to say, his dad, who was sitting at the table with us, but had been talking to another adult, piped in with, “he likes lunch time!” The boy then shrugged his shoulders and said he didn’t really have a favorite. As long as his dad was engaged with someone else, the boy was open and willing to talk. Once his dad spoke for him, he was no longer interested in conversing, and immersed himself in a game on his phone. 

On another occasion, I was a having a lovely chat with a young woman about her college plans, and her desire pursue nursing. As we talked, she was quite animated and forthcoming with her thoughts. She was excited to share. Further into the discussion, her mother joined us, and proceeded to tell me everything her daughter had just said, with the added information of how difficult things had been recently for the young woman, but she left out the part of how enthusiastic her daughter was. The young woman could barely get in a word. She soon grew quiet, looked down at the floor, and let her mom do the rest of the talking. 

Both these young people had things to say that were important to them. For each student, it was a time to speak. Both were competent to speak for themselves. Both had parents who interfered. Both parents sent a clear but subtle message that the young person was incapable of speaking for themselves; that they are not valuable enough to listen to. For each parent, it was a time to listen.

Am I talking about allowing your children to be disrespectful? Absolutely not! Should they get to dominate a conversation? No way!

On a recent flight home from Dallas, I (and several other passengers) overheard a young mother who talked loudly the entire time, nearly two hours, all about her wonderful self. One passenger repeatedly called out, “shhhh!” to no avail. I seriously considered passing a dollar up to the talker to pay her to be quiet for the remainder of the flight. For this woman, it was a time to listen.

Children need to be taught that good communication includes talking AND listening, and discernment as to which one is appropriate at which time. We, as adults, need to remember that as well.
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Here are a few ideas on creating opportunities for listening to your children, while at the same time giving them opportunity to speak:

• Ask your young people what they think about ______________, then listen, even if you disagree. If you are just beginning practicing listening, keep it light and fun for several weeks, then work into more serious topics as your student becomes more comfortable sharing. Keep in mind that girls are generally more open than boys, but not always. Some ideas on topics:

 

• What’s your favorite song right now? What do you like about it?
• Show me that video game and teach me how to play.
• What was the best part of your day today?
• What did you enjoy about that movie?
• What do you think of the book you are reading? Which character interests you most and why?
• What are the qualities you like most about your best friend?
• How can I pray for you?
• What Scripture is most meaningful to you this week?
• What has been your greatest challenge this week?
• How are you doing in your grieving over the loss of your pet?

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• Paraphrase what your child told you. “Let me summarize what I think you just said…’. This insures that you understand, and your student will know you heard. If you didn’t understand correctly, it gives him opportunity to say, “No, what I said was…”

 

• Read aloud a Dear Abby column that is appropriate for your family, and each person gets to respond with the advice they would give to that person. Don’t allow the older ones to dominate the conversation and leave out the younger children.

 

• Impromptu after dinner. Everyone write a topic, fun or serious. Each person takes a turn picking from a pile. If you get your own, put it back and choose another. Speak 1-2 minutes on your topic. No comments from the audience!

For all of us, learning when it is time to listen, and when it is time to speak, takes practice. You cannot have one without the other. Let’s all endeavor to exercise what Solomon said, “…a time to keep silent, and a time to speak…”, and what James says, “My dear brothers and sisters, take note of this: everyone should be quick to listen, slow to speak…”

Nancy Lauser

Nancy Lauser (rhymes with saucer) designed and began teaching "Say It With Class: Beginning Public Speaking" in 2000. She has advertised her class through PLANT, Inc. since its inception in 2016. She and her husband have two sons, whom they homeschooled from kindergarten through high school. Whenever she gets invited to do so, Nancy speaks to groups about homeschooling, the importance of communication, raising sons, getting your kids to work, and other related topics.